I write this to open dialogue, I write this to share my feelings. I invite you to call me out, correct me, agree with me, whatever… but please be gentle because I love you, and if you’re writing in response, I believe it’s because you love me too. I promise to be humble.
I keep seeing friends of all walks of life on Facebook sharing articles like “Dear White People, Your Safety Pin is Embarrassing,” and “Ways White People Can Process Without Bringing the White Tears.” While I understand where these articles are coming from, I can’t help but feel dehumanized by them. Why must these articles guilt and shame white folks, while at the same time guilting and shaming them for feeling guilt and shame? I’m truly sorry if my tears offend or hurt you or make you feel that your feelings are invalid. It’s a popular idea that my (white) tears stem from guilt and shame… but for me, (mostly) they don’t, they come from empathy and from the fact that your feelings are deeply tangible to me as an empath. I don’t ask to be comforted by you, and I don’t demand that you spend your time comforting me, it’s not your job — but please don't shame me and others for having feelings. In fact, I think that many of the people who would stand as allies do so because they’re empathetic. They can’t help themselves. That’s what makes them good allies and good bridges between social justice movements and the rest of the world.
Another thing… please understand that my fears and my tears are not just for POC, but for people of different religions, sexual identities, abilities, myself, etc, these are people who are also my friends, and also will be hurt by my silence. My safety pin is for these humans, too, and I know that what comforts some, will not comfort others. The safety pin thing is not meant as an offense, rather, a blanket — Furthermore, I don't know a single person who would wear one who doesn’t know that more needs to be done… besides isn’t wearing one in itself a tangible action or at least a declaration that one is willing to take action?
As someone who has considered myself an ally, it’s been difficult for me to stand up for my own feelings to my friends who have been marginalized. But I do have feelings, and I, too need to share them. I don’t share them to hurt anyone, but to remind folks that I’m a human too, doing all I can amidst my flaws. What it comes down to, for me, is that if we can’t see each other as humans, beyond the labels we’ve given ourselves, then how can we have a real relationship? I’m not talking about colorblindness, or glossing over our unique struggles, I’m talking about equity, mutuality, two-way relationships. I will continue fighting for your equality! I wholeheartedly commit to it! But if fighting for your equality requires me to hold my tears, and in that check my own humanity, I think it goes beyond being an ally and turns into me being a doormat.
I often keep my own fears as a woman buried deep because I know others have it worse than me. I fight for you because I know if your tide rises, so will mine. When innocent black men and women were murdered by police, I stood up and loudly proclaimed that BLACK LIVES MATTER. I had nasty and painful fights with loved ones about the issue, it was worth it to me. I defended and cried out for the movement, saying “Black lives matter doesn't mean that all lives don’t matter, it means we’re focusing on those whose lives are at stake right now.” Things have changed, though — even more lives ARE at stake. BLACK LIVES STILL MATTER… but so do IMMIGRANT LIVES, and TRANSGENDER LIVES, and GAY LIVES, and LATINO LIVES and WOMENS LIVES, and SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE LIVES and NATIVE AMERICAN LIVES! It seems to me a time when we should pull together for each other instead of fracturing off. It’s not just about race this time, its about everyone who has been pushed to the margins of society by this election. These feelings I have and tears I shed are about more than one group of people, and I have a crushingly large responsibility to more than just one community. But I find myself asking how I can be an effective ally if I feel there is no real mutual connection between us? When I begin to feel used? When I begin to feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don’t?
Again, I write this to open dialogue, I write this to share my feelings. I invite you to call me out, correct me, agree with me, whatever… but please be gentle because I love you, and if you’re writing in response, I believe it’s because you love me too. I promise to be humble.
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